Curious College Mind...

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 06:03:43 GMT

have you ever felt that you are screaming at the top of your lungs in the middle of a room and noone stops to even look? yeah well welcome to my world!

i love you but i just don't know what you are thinking sometimes-- do you really want to be with me? what about our future if you do want to be with me? Oh and if you do want to be with me tell these little girlies to back the fuck off!

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 20:47:47 GMT

ok so i know that i haven't updated in forever!
jenny: i hope all went well
beth: come home- i miss you
ber: ber, what can i say "mister wonderful" hahaha

you know i have realized that no matter what i do i will never be good enough for my parents- even though i did get that job in houston it doesn't matter to them- all i get is wow it sounds fishy
yeah ok whatever

so last week on tuesday i went for a babysitting interview and the woman said she would call me back friday yeah right just tell me i don't like you- ha for real or at least call when you say you are going to - i tried calling and she never answered too bad that was not professional!

umm other than that went to houston- got a job declined the offer

came home had a wonderful night drinking and spending time with my baby! :) 2 hours what?

jason just left today but i know he'll be back soon

umm still looking for a job up here- i'm about to go to bob evans for crying out loud-- hey beth did you like it there? and if i do go there can i use you as a reference?

i must be moved out of my apt by saturday night and moved into the duplex by then cause we all know i must be at the italian festival on sunday by noon or so and then i have jury duty all that next week and on friday i go to MIS to help the TKE boys out with a fundraiser-- remember all that people do for you guys! then if i don't get a case i come up and on monday the first i sign a lease and by the 4th need to be moved in by 12 noon because i have appts all day down state thursday and friday!

so if you wanna come up and ride on the bus for my birthday i need your address and a donation of $5 per person cause not only is there a bus but i'm hoping i can bring a keg on it!!!

the new address will be: 1000 West Wheeler Midland MI 48640--- not sure on the zip quite yet!

other than that wish me luck and i miss ya'll

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 20:25:05 GMT

YOUR ELEMENT IS WATER
Your power colors: blue and aqua

Your energy: deep

Your season: winter

Like the ocean, you evoke deep feelings and passion.
You have an emotional, sensitive, and spiritual soul.
A bit mysterious, you tend to be quiet when you are working out a problem.
You need your alone time, so that you can think and dream.

YOUR AURA IS BLUE
Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.

You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 05:44:40 GMT

amber this update is for you...because you alwayse question why i don't update anymore! lol

why is it that one person can make you cry so much? i don't get it....

"today is the yesterday we will think about tomorrow"

ya know i just wanted one answer this weekend and i told you we would never talk about it!

this little rant that will go on in a second isn't about one person so don't take it that way-- got it!
i hate that people don't tell me things, that they hold them back and then months down the road i find out about them.
i don't know what i want anymore-- i thought that i had something and now i'm not too sure i ever saw it or had ahold of it in the first place.

ryan i hope you are feeling better!
mike i hope things will look up for us soon-- not like us but our situations
amber and beth i miss you!
other than that i'm done can't think of anything else to say without pouring my heart out so have a great night---pc

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 23:48:12 GMT

check which ones you have watched!! DOES THIS SURPRISE ANYONE? I HAVE SEEN 127 OF THESE MOVIES!!!!
(x)Napoleon Dynamite
(x)Saw
( )White Noise
()White Oleander
(x)Anger Management
(x)50 First Dates
( )Jason X
(x )Scream
(x )Scream 2
(x)Scream 3
(x )Scary Movie
(x)Scary Movie 2
(x)Scary Movie 3
(x)American Pie
(x)American Pie 2
(x)American Wedding
(x)Harry Potter
(x)Harry Potter 2
()Harry Potter 3
(x)Resident Evil I
(x)Resident Evil 2
(x)The Wedding Singer
(x )Little Black Book
()The Village
(x)Donnie Darko
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(x)Finding Nemo
( )Finding Neverland
(x)13 Ghosts
(x)Signs
(x)The Grinch
(x)Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I mean the original)
(x)White Chicks
(x)Butterfly Effect
(x)Thirteen going on 30
(x)I Robot
(x)Dodgeball
( )Universal Soldier
()A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x)Along Came A Spider
( )Deep impact
(x)KingPin
()Never Been Kissed
(x)Meet The Parents
(x)Meet The Fockers
(x)Eight Crazy Nights
(x)A Cinderella Story
()The Terminal
()The Lizzie McGuire Movie
()Passport to Paris
(x)Dumb & Dumber
(x)Dumb & Dumberer
(x)Final Destination
(x)Final Destination 2
(x)Halloween
(x)The Ring
( )The Ring 2
()Harold & Kumar (white castle)
()Practical Magic
(x)Chicago
(x)Ghost Ship
( )From Hell
(x)Hellboy
(x)Secret Window
(x)I Am Sam
()The Whole Nine Yards
()The Whole Ten Yards
(x)The Day After Tomorrow
()Child's Play
()Bride of Chucky
(x)Ten Things I Hate About You
(x)Just Married
(x)Gothika
(x)A Nightmare on Elm Street
(x)Sixteen Candles
(x)Bad Boys 2
(x)Joy Ride
(x)Seven (SE7EN)
(x)Oceans Eleven
(x)Oceans Twelve
( )Identity
( )Lone Star
()Bedazzled
( )Predator I
( )Predator II
(x)Independence Day
( )Cujo
( )A Bronx Tale
( )Darkness Falls
( )Christine
(x)ET
(x)Children of the Corn
()My boss' daughter
(x)Maid in Manhattan
( )Frailty
( )Best bet
(x)How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x)She's All That
( )Calendar Girls
( )Sideways
( )Mars Attacks
( )Event Horizon
(x)Ever after
(x)Forrest Gump
( )Big Trouble in Little China
(x)X-men 1
(x)X-men 2
(x)Jeepers Creepers
(x)Jeepers Creepers 2
(x)Catch Me If You Can
(x)The Others
(x)Freaky Friday
( )Reign of Fire
(x)Cruel Intentions
(x)The Hot Chick
(x)Swimfan
(x)Miracle
(x)Old School
( )Ray
(x)The Notebook
(x)K-Pax
(x)Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x)Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
()Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x)A Walk to Remember
()Boogeyman
(x)Hitch
( )Back Door Sluts 9
(x)The Fifth Element
()Star wars episode I
( )Star wars episode II
( )Star wars episode IV
( )Star wars episode V
( )Star wars episode VI
(x )Troop Beverly Hills
( )Swimming with Sharks
(x)Trainspotting
( )People under the stairs
( )Blue Velvet
(x)Sound of music
(x)Parent Trap
( )The Burbs
(x)The Terminator
(x)SLC Punk
(x)Meet Joe Black
( )Wild girls
( )A Clockwork Orange
( )The Order
(x)Spiderman
(x)Spiderman 2
( )Amelie
(x)Mean Girls
(x)Shrek
(x)Shrek 2
()The Incredibles
(x)Collateral
(x)The Fast & The Furious
(x)2 Fast 2 Furious
( )Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow
()Closer
(x)The Sixth Sense
(x)Artificial intelligence (AI)
()Love actually
( )Shutter
()Ella Enchanted
(x)Princess diaries 1
()Princess diaries 2
()Constantine
( )Million Dollar Baby
( )Envy
(x)Eurotrip
(x)Malibu's Most wanted
(x)Big Daddy
(x)Black Sheep
(x)the breakfast club
(x )West Side Story
(x)A Christmas Story
()Spanglish
(x)Pulp Fiction
()Sleepover
( )The Evil Dead
( )Killer Klowns From Outer Space
( )The seed of chucky
(x)Vanilla Sky
(x)Nightmare Before Christmas
( )Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(x)Interview With The Vampire
( )The Crow
(x)Purple Rain
(x)Reservoir Dogs
(x )Wayne's World
(x)Wayne's World 2
( )21 Grams
()Edward Scissorhands
( )Clerks
(x)Mall Rats
( )Chasing Amy
()Dogma
(x)Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
(x)Bettlejuice
( )Last Samurai
(x) Pearl Harbor
(x)Phantom of the Opera
(x)National Treasure
( ) Cinderella Man
(x) Longest Yard
(x)Mr Deeds
()After the Sunset
()Madagascar
() Raise your voice
(x)Daddy daycare

APOLOGY

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 20:03:27 GMT

i know that i pour my heart out on here sometimes and it's not fair to some-- i'm sorry i know that you need time and you can have it-- you know i'll always be here

sorry-- i hope you realize that! and i'll tell you everything that you want to know

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 19:43:24 GMT

alright for all of you that want to know what i think about you this is an entry for you to read!

Amber:
1. I love that I can come to you with anything and I know you will try and help me through it and that you will do all you can; even if it is just giving advice!
2. Ignition- haha Hey Love-- The sweetest thing-- that is sooo us stopping to get clothes
3. 5am because that's when we go to bed if we went to bed
4. best- you are my best friend and you always will be- don't forget you will be my maid of honor
5. Jason mraz concert, and you hiding in Sean's closet, ER party
6. Monkey and now a Cow hahahhaah i know you know what i'm talking about
7. I wish I knew more about your dad and would like you to talk to me about it

Beth:
1. I like that you give advice from what I have to say and that even if i don't want to talk you get it out of me
2. family guy-- we always watched that shit over at justin's
3. 11pm - that's when we always went to go get more beer
4. fun- we always have fun together
5. tequilla night
6. a worm for the same reason as number 5
7. more about your home life

Jenny D:
1. your LOUD and SO AM I!
2. 5 o'clock somewhere- you were always drinkin when i saw you or see you for that matter
3. 5
4. Outragous- you think of the craziest things
5. talking in your room before your formal
6. a hen because we always have some serious "boy" conversations
7. just more we never really hung out just the two of us

WOW! i'm glad that is over- haha it's hard to think about some of those things

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 02:20:08 GMT

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.

you know amber no matter how down i am you can always cheer me up-- so i started reading my friends page and i found this-- thanks!

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 02:13:17 GMT

i need to vent and i need to cry! i thought i knew what was going on and the whole time i was in the dark.. how did this happen? i have given you everything more than i had before and you feel that you had more earlier than you do now? you said it yourself you feel that we are closer now than ever-- that's wonderful but how? what do you want? do you want a relationship or are we jsut friends because my dear you are driving me crazy by dragging me along! you know even when i was engaged i didn't give this much to anyone-- for the first time that i feel that i really find something special and i am ready to give it my all it gets shot right through the very thought of it.....

i'm very content right now but this weekend made me realize that i want more, i need more! i can't be the great friend that you sleep next to and whatever--- and i quote you "we might as well be together"
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT? i don't think you realize that by doing all this right now you are pushing me away.. as much as i can't and don't want to i may have to walk away and say you know what you were never right about him-- you should have listened to everyone

i know that's not right to think because i never listen to anyone and i know what we have is right i just wish you saw that too--- i wish you could see that almost everything i do is for you and of course myself

beth: you know on your MSN account how your sn is the def. of love
well, in church on saturday at the wedding the priest said that love is being a bestfriend and person that one can turn to in a time of need and they understand from all angles---for once i thought i had that and now i know i did but didn't have it back so ok no i didn't have it!

i can handle making a career move to houston but i can't handle you leaving for the summer like you are talking about-- i asked you what you thought because i care about you that much and i have that much faith in "us" or whatever this is........ how come you don't ask me what i think? is it that you don't care about me or "us" or are you just worried about you and only you?

am i being too nice?
do i want too much?
where do i stop and you begin? i don't know and i don't think you do either- we are together so much that we have inhibited each others habits and reflect each other as well as compliment one another

i love that we have that and i have been waiting for you to just see it

i know i'm repeating myself but i don't think you understand this at all--- open up and tell me please!

Girls...

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot . . .
. . . who calls you back when you hang up on him . . .
. . . who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead . . .
. . . who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats . . .
. . . who holds your hand in front of his friends . . .
. . . who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ". . . that's her."

Guys . . .

Find a girl who calls you BABE or baby face instead of HOT or SEXY . . .
. . . who can't stand it when you hang up on her . . .
. . . who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes . . .

Wait for the one who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most . . .
. . . who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips . . .
. . . who wants to be with you in public . . .
. . . who makes you smile just by knowing she loves/likes you back.

Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy.

Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always."

Longest Weekend Ever!

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 18:05:00 GMT

so you know how a weekend starts on Friday? yeah well mine was like thursday night which is normal for a college student! i don't think i have ever been this tired in my life....
thursday-- pick up justin-- he can tell you if he wants
friday-- do things that i need to and then get on the road to go pick up jill and her dog bear so we can get to a wedding rehearsal but before i do that i screw up my back-- yay
alright so we get there and miss rehearsal and then go to dinner and then go see renee who is pissed off because "people" were screwing with jon the night before the wedding
i get a call at 11:30 saying "we're on the road i'll call you when we get there" alright that's fine with me but i go to get into bed at 1 and i still haven't heard anything -- i'm getting worried and i can't sleep-- 3 comes around and i'm still up but i finally get a drunk phone call, the one that i was waiting for but hoping that it was going to be sober--wrong i was!!! then i finally fall asleep and at 4:30 i wake up to a cat meowing because it wants to go downstairs-- not my house not taking care of it! so i go back to bed-- at 5:30 i wake up for no reason and then i do again at 6:30 and then at 7:10 in the morning-- now my back is still bothering me but i can't sleep anymore because i have to be up to get ready to get my hair done at 8:30 so i get there and the girl isn't done with lindsay's hair until 8:45 my hair doesn't get done until 9:45 and my make up appointment was at 9-- alright running lat but i'll be ok-- get my makeup done at 10:30 run to walmart and get back on the road at 11 for a 30 min car ride
i need to get my dress and get to the church to get ready and get pictures by 12 noon

1:30 ceremony- went great
2:30-3:15 pictures--fine
3:15-5:15 we get on the TAT bus which brought us to Farmers Tavern, Gillis', and PJ's where we all drank and what not
5:15 we arrive at the hall and we get introduced again by the dj and the song is final countdown-- i felt like i was at a piston's game--the guy that i walked with-justin- had to liven up the crowd by being shooter mcgavin and if you have seen happy gilmore you know what i'm talking about if not oh well

the night went great and had another drunk phone call at about 12:30 or so and passed out

the following morning i was up at 7:30 why i don't know spent some time with my mom and dad and the rest of my family and then came home-- got here about 5ish and was so tired i couldn't sleep one until after the piston's game grrrrrrrrrrrrrr and two until i saw someone-- even then i was wound up and too tired to sleep and i got emotional too-- thanks andy hahahaha

job hunting online and trying to sleep more-- maybe i'll feel rested at some point!!!

CONGRATS RENEE AND JON HERZOG!!!!

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 00:06:12 GMT

Gentlemen, why don't you laugh? With the fearful strain that is upon me night and day, if I did not laugh, I should die.
- Abraham Lincoln

"If a man does his best, what else is there?"
- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"The full use of your powers along lines of excellence."
- definition of"happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

what is wrong with all these old quotes? i know i know-- they are right!
just some food for thought!

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 10:08:39 GMT

damned survey thingies:
1) Starting time: 5:31 am
2) Full name: Marie Jaclyn (jack-lynn) Oberski
3) Nick names: MO, MJ, Panzcki yes like the doughnut
4) School: Northwood University
5) Email: marieoberski@yahoo.com, marzipan04@aol.com, marie_zkitties@excite.com
6) Eyes: hazel
7) Height: 5'4ish
8) Siblings: NONE
9) Ever been kissed: who hasn’t?
10) Ever been cheated on: yes
11) Ever missed school because it was raining: I think everyone has at one time or another
12) Ever faked sick: yeah who likes to take tests
13) Ever taken a picture for someone random: all the time I work at a restaurant
14) Ever had an imaginary friend: No
15) Ever wanted to hook up with a friend: Yes
16) Ever cried during a flick: yes
17) Who is your celebrity crush? : dunno I really like eathan hawke
18) Ever hid under a chair: maybe when I was little but not lately
19) Favorite drink: mt. dew and bud light—what’s water?
20) Favorite food: italian or greek
21) Favorite colour(s) : pink, pink, and pink
22) Summer or Winter: of the two summer
23) Spring or Autumn: autumn
24) Music or dancing: Music, you can sing with it no matter how bad you are
25) Online or Offline: what does that mean?
26) Lace, silk, or satin: ok is this sheets, underwear, what is this material making up?
27) Like anyone: well yeah!
28) Who have you known the longest out of your friends: Jess
29) Who is your shyest friend: umm what is shy? None of my friends are shy
30) Who is your loudest friend: Mike
31) Who do you go to for advice: Amber and Mike there are a few others but those two know me the best so I go to them first
32) Who do you get along with: everyone unless you piss me off
33) In the last two weeks have you cried: yeah—over moving and losing what I have worked so hard for
34) In the last two weeks have you been mean: I know I have but not necessarily intentionally
35) In the last two weeks have you been happy: why wouldn’t I be
36) In the last two weeks have you been sarcastic: not in the slightest- ha
37) In the last two weeks have you been yelled at: always!
38) In the last two weeks have you called someone you have a crush on: of course
39) In the last two weeks have you kissed someone: oh yeah
40) In the last two weeks have you hugged somone: yes once again
41) In the last two weeks have you talked to yourself: umm yeah I contemplate things a lot and sometimes you just need to think them out loud to see if what you are saying sounds good
42) In the last two weeks have you wished upon a star: funny thing-- yes
43) In the last two weeks have you laughed until you cried: don’t think so—“I need a towel to take a picture”
44) In the last two weeks have you played truth or dare: no not in 4th grade
45) In the last two weeks have you played hide and seek: that could be fun but no
46) In the last two weeks have you gone to the beach at night: no but I really want to have someone take me and really make it special ;)
47) In the last two weeks have you walked in a forest : umm maybe to pee
48) In the last two weeks have you read a book: a book? No but the paper yes
49) Are you lonely: sometimes
50) Are you happy: with what myself, life, in general—yea I guess so depends on what you are talking about
51) Are you talking to someone online: no
52) Do you believe in God/the Devil: not so much anymore
53) Do you believe in love: YES YES YES
54) Do you believe in The Closet Monster: like people that won’t come out of the closet – NO haha
55) Do you believe in the monster under the bed: no
56) Do you believe in heaven/hell: heaven doesn’t want me and hell can’t handle me so—I guess not
57) Do you beleive in superstitions: like if you step on a crack you break your mothers back? Why would I; karma is easier to understand
58) Do you believe in half empty or half full: half empty and who has been drinking it?
60) Favorite quote: can’t think of one right off the top of my head
61) When was the last time you showered: Saturday morning at about 10 am
62) What is the last thing you said online: ttyl hun miss ya
64) What is your computer: gateway!
65) What was the last thing you did: put on PJ’s
66) Where do you want to go on your honeymoon: Hawaii or some place that I have never been before
67) Where do you want your wedding: depends on the season but hopefully outside
68) Where do you want to be buried: i would like to be cremated and take whatever organs needed
69) How's the weather: nice- 72 and not muggy anymore
70) How's your grass: green but I don’t take care of it the complex does
71) Thing you find attractive about the opposite: personality, eyes, sense of humor
72) How do YOU eat an Oreo: one side the filling then the other side
73) Favorite TV shows: King of Queens, Simpsons, and Family Guy
74) Favorite site: anything interesting
75)What do you want to be when you grow up: I’m never going to grow up there is no fun in it
76) favorite station: ummm I have a few: 102.5, 93.3, 94.5, and 107.1 when it comes in
77) Favorite band: umm there are a lot of them sorry not picking one
78) Favorite chocolate bar: don’t really like chocolate but snickers if I had to choose
79) Favorite country: US I live here for crying out loud
80) Favorite days of the week: Thursday
81) Favorite animal: look at the username—hello a cat!
82) Favorite Store: pac sun, be you, buckle, and Victoria secret
83) If you could change your name it would be? Autumn maybe I don’t know
84) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: yes but only because it was from a special someone
85) The stupidest thing you have ever done?: I don’t know I do a lot of dumb things
86) Favorite CD: Rascal Flatts—but just for the moment
87) Moon or the Sun: sun it’s beautiful
88) Fire or water: catch 22--- water it is good for you
89) Favorite number: 4, 42, 11
90) What are you listening to right now: VH1
91) On the phone or in person: in person it means more
92) lust or love: isn’t love lust at some point or another
93) If you could change something about you it would be: don’t want to change anything
94) When's your birthday: 8-21-84
95) Do you have pets: 3 cats- duke, chip, raja and 1 bird- tweetie
96)Who sent this to you: umm took it from amber
97) What do you think about this person: she is my bestfriend and I know that she would do anything for me if I needed her to and I would do the same for her! She is very outgoing and optimistic and that keeps me going! Thank you!
98) What time is it now? 6:06 am
99) Anything you want to say to everyone: I’m tired—enjoy your summer and be safe—happy birthday to all those summer birthdayers
100th question...? I thought this would never be over

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:33:51 GMT

alright guys i think this is one of the worst days of my life! yeah not only did i crash course myself on how to drive a manual but i was "let go" from my job and now i'm sitting at home thinking - FUCK! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? also if you wanna know what happened call me don't ask over LJ!

My cousins wedding is on the 18th so i have to get ready for that!
I need to find a job-NOW!
I have an interview not in Michigan- thank god-- but i realized today that even if i did get offered the job i don't think i would go!- if you don't know why you're dumb!
No insurance- rent is due at the end of the month- i have bills to pay- and i feel as though i'm going crazy!!!
not taking summer classes now because i was trying to find another job in the first place-- GRRRRRRRR!

i just want to drink to my oblivion and forget today ever happened!! but on the other hand for once someone wants to take care of me-- but they're not here! how does that work?

it's really odd to have someone want to take care of you or say that they really care--- that's what meanse something not the "i love yous" not that they have been said but to show is better than to hear-- and as all this stuff is happening to me i realize that there is one person in my life that means the world to me and if i ever lost that i would be losing a huge part of myself as well-- i have learned from this person whether they think so or not but i have-- i have learned to come to grips with who i really am and that i don't need a drug or to smoke or to drink for that matter-- all i really need to do is hear that everything is ok from them and that it will work itself out and that "we" will get through this! this isn't even your problem and yet you are right there for me-- THANK YOU!!

ok enough because i could pour my heart out right now and that just wouldn't be good-- i need to figure out what i'm going to do on monday-- job search one more time!

by the way my mood is because of me ,i'm dissapointed in ME!

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 00:27:40 GMT

alright so i've been thinking: yeah and we all know that isn't good!!

so do i move? all i want is to clear my head-- but what if i end up finding a job that i really like and pays well? then do i stay where ever it is that i'm going?

i'm scared-- there are two reasons that i don't want to go-- and yes they are people! i don't know if that is a good thing or if i'm just crazy-- crazy probably but who knows.

i care about something way too much to just get up and walk out on it.. i have been working way too hard on fixing it to not know what will happen with it..and yet on the other hand i hope this person would understand and in some way if they really want what i want then they would tell me that they don't want me to leave or that i just mean too much-- i know that i have put you through hell and i don't want to do that again... earlier today when you said that it may be a good thing for me i felt like you said that you wanted me to go and it brought me to tears,, uncontrolable tears at that-- i was driving and we all know that just isn't good all together-- i don't know what to think because i don't know where this is going and yet i don't think i want to know right now i love what we have! i know that i can go to you for anything and i hope you would come to me.........i need to know how you feel--plain and simple i'm sorry for asking but my heart needs to know not my mind!

why can't i let go is another question.... is it because i see things in the future? is it because i know what is right? is it because that's what i want to believe? what is it?

i can't walk out on my best friend-- amber i love you to death and if i leave to be quite honest i don't think we would even talk as much as we do now-- you're support means too much to me right now!

as for my parents shit they gave up on me a long time ago and there is one person that really knows that other than them-- the one thing that really mattered they took-- health insurance-- are you fuckin retarted-- ya'll know how much i get sick and all the allergy problems that i have-- who's parents in their right mind take that away from their child that they want to see succeed-- well at least that's what they tell your academic dean............ who the fuck do you think you are?

i don't understand help me out, throw me a freakin bone here, seriously if you can answer some of these questions do it i need all the help right now!!!!!

oh yeah-- beth i miss you sooo much!

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:20:15 GMT

Amber: it was great seeing you yesterday and just to let you know you look soooo much better than you sound! that's a good thing :) i hope all the rest of the healing goes well--

Beth: amber is right if you come back with an accent we'll all kill you! haha no really i think everyone knows that you've got great potential and that this will be wonderful for you!! you better be back for my birthday-- or else i just might cry :)

ok so things definitally get talked about on car rides-- that is all i have to say about that because my life is mine and i really don't feel like sharing this-- ever! lol

however on the down side: I HATE WHEN PEOPLE FEEL THEY CAN NOT SAY THINGS TO MY FACE AND THEY NEED TO TALK TO SOMONE ELSE ABOUT IT-- LIKE I'M A CHILD! "MOMMY/DADDY" I'M NOT-- SOME OF MY REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS NEED TO REALIZE THIS!

oh by the way J.C. if you ever call me at 7:30 am again i will have to kill you--- grr but it was nice to hear from you!

love and kisses i need more sleep

grrr!

Sun, 29 May 2005 06:57:09 GMT

why is it that i am always the sober person taking care of the drunk assholes? i wanna be the drunk asshole and party and have someone take care of me!!! other than that life is great the fighting has been brought down a notch and in my book that's great.. now if only this person could trust me 100% i would have not only a wonderful friendship but one hell of a relationship!! i'm sorry that i get jealous sometimes but everyone does and it just really urks me-- maybe one day you will see that; but you can't change someone they have to be willing to change for themselves!!!

hi mom! haha thought i might wanna put that in!

Sat, 28 May 2005 04:41:05 GMT

you wanna know what gets me? is when the guy you love is worrying about someone else! yes i have been drinking

OKIE DOKIE

Sat, 28 May 2005 01:33:41 GMT

so i got the most random phone call last night! yeah ummm not that i didn't want it but it was just unexpected--- i never realized how much one cared until last night when they asked me to come see them! i would love to hun!

ber: i know you are feeling better today and everyday will be the same and soon you will never know what happened and they'll just be there!

ya know i learned last night that people, when they are drunk that is, just don't know how to be humane.. they think that you are yelling at them when really you are just trying to explain yourself--
i'm not made of money and those of you who think i am-- yeah ya'll can f*ck off!
when i do something for someone it is out of the kindness of my heart-- guess what i can't do it anymore and i will not take being pushed around-- i can't stand it i'm not someone that you can order around! just because your gf puts up with it doesn't mean that i have to-- and i won't! hear me loud and clear I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE SHIT!
i have been shit on enough in my life and i know that everyone goes through it but i'm not dealing with it anymore i will stand my ground and confront you right away-- i know one person that will read this and think wtf happened when i was gone---- well the up side is i never said that i wanted to move in here i can't live with all those people in and out all the time second what i really said was my parents will not help me with rent if i move into a house! get your shit straight before you talk to others about it!

i'm pissed and sick of doing everything for everyone--- from now on there are only 4 people that i will do anything for and that is only if i'm asked and 2 are my parents so figure out the rest assholes and stay out of my life!

LMAO

Fri, 27 May 2005 02:44:50 GMT

Hey ya'll my phone is back on so hit me up!
Pete: I read your comment and no it was not pertaining to you; by thank you i apprecitate it- thank you!
Ok so the house that I wanted is gone and I can't do a damned thing about it! POOP!
Ber: I hope everything went well you have been on my mind all day-- hopefully mike and i are coming down tomorrow to see you that is if all goes as planned-- haha i got you kind of a gag gift too but i hope you like it and think of me whenever you see it-- maybe even put it on your beddieby
well other than that not much to say right now other than this past weekend my mom learned how to play beer pong that was an experience all in itself! wow!

good night world!

what a night/morning

Tue, 17 May 2005 09:56:00 GMT

amber i can't wait to see you there is so much that i have to tell you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COREY! We salute you Mr. Mount Rushmore! hahahahaha
Nina, Corey, Mike (not who you think), Dave-- what a freakin night! all i have to say is thank you and i really want to go bowling assholes! maybe next time and i'm totally up for going up north on the 28th if i can get it off of work- i think it will be relaxing-- and i need it; ya'll know that!

so yeah i found out some stuff today that i'm not exactally happy with but i'm willing to let go as long as i can talk about it-- this may make me too nice but ya know what quit stringing me alone if you don't want anything-- please that's all i ask

There's three in the Hall from those PICTURES in the closet
Two in the bedroom from THAT NIGHT I LOST IT
And ONE DEEP INSIDE ME determined to stay
They DON'T GET ANY BIGGER BUT THEY DON'T GO AWAY

[Chorus:]
Holes in and around me I keep FALLING ABCK INTO
Holes dig in and surround me
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these HOLES LEFT BY YOU
Left by you

I pour DRINK after DRINK but nothing hit bottom
I'VE BEEN ON MY KNEES ADMITTED MY PROBLEMS
The LOVE that we made still barely an echo
I'll try anything in these vacant hollow

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
There's two through my hands and one through my feet
From this cross that I bare to the day that I see
Its GUILT and its BLAME its SHAME and its LOVE
Seeking the TRUTH I dug them myself

All these holes dig in and surround me
God knows what I'm gonna' do
To fill up these holes left by you

you know what i admitted everything why couldn't you? take it from me: never wear your heart on your sleeve you'll only be hurt!

other than that i have not touched my head to a pillow yet so good night/morning and i'll see ya'll for breakfast later

"dude what the fuck happened to your car?"-- if you weren't there and didn't do it you'll never get it! LMAO

songs songs songs

Mon, 16 May 2005 19:06:11 GMT

"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

***so yeah i really like this song and it's getting me through all the rumors that people keep telling me-- you know mom's advice was the best-- people will tell you lies and you will believe them and people will tell you the truth and you won't believe them-- so what do you do? you believe nothing and just live your life with the person that you want and if they fuck around on you in the slightest bit you know that they have lied to you in the past and that they are not worth it!
On that note if i ever find out that someone has done this to me they can kiss everything we have ever had goodbye (even if it is an ex)-- i know i screwed up but revenge doesn't solve anything-- and it's not even revenge if something happens you need to be honest ASAP for the future and safty of everyone that is involved-- i know you understand!

proving my point

Fri, 13 May 2005 08:04:05 GMT

ok so today i went out to the duplex
yesterday i was out there then went to see you then home
tuesday i was out with the girls
monday i went out to eat at mongolian bbq and watched notebook in corey's room before i left campus i came by to see you and i updated my journal and ended up staying.....so when you say that i lied about when i was kissed last think about this cause sunday i worked all day

i just don't get why you like to fight about stuff like this

honey i do trust you it's just when i hear things from people it makes me wonder and i always come to you about it but the thing is when i come to you about it you get mad and say that i don't trust you--- i do i just want the truth all the time and i want people to stop warning me about you--- i want us to be us and nobody else-- it's not their business

i don't know i think that if i would have kept things to myself that none of this would have ever come about.. and as i look at you on my couch i know that no matter what i do or say i can't change the way that you or i feel.. i realize that things take time but there is not a day that goes by that i think how bad i hurt you and if i could change it i would.... if only you knew that!!

I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

stay out of my shit!!!!

amber

Thu, 12 May 2005 08:51:37 GMT

amber i have some pics to show you ----- OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG............OMG
asap is all i have to say

what am i doing to myself?

Thu, 12 May 2005 07:23:16 GMT

i don't get it i start to trust someone with my heart again and i think i got lied to-- why would you shut off your phone unless you were doing something that you didn't want anyone to know about or be disturbed?
fuck! i just don't need to be hurt... this is why i made myself believe that you didn't want anything cause now i feel like i can't trust you but i do but if i don't trust you we fight about it-- i know that you care about her but fuck! why do you do this shit to me? tell me the honest to God truth all the time.

geez i don't think you realize how much i care--- i can't see being with anyone else right now--- i don't see anyone taking care of you like i do-- there is nobody that would give that much of themselves to anyone--- that's it i'm too nice that's my problem-- done- gone- done that's it-- but see i can't i'm too nice i'm not a mean person unless of course i have to be

what makes you tell me not to let go?
what do you want from me?
what do you want from us?
i don't want to give up i'm not ready to but...........what the fuck!

i can't sleep i don't know what to think am i being fucked with? does he really want this? where is this going? do i just really need to let go? do i need to move on? NO! i want this! he is a great person, he makes me laugh and smile all the time, whenever i think of him or his name gets brought up i still get butterflies....does he feel the same way? if he does why won't he tell me? why can't he just tell me how he feels? when he said that he "loved" me or thought he did, did he really?

what is wrong with me? why can't i get straight answers? i'm tearing myself up because i don't know and the one person that can tell me won't we just go in circles until he feels that i push then i get mad and we fight

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

read these words--- they are so true this is me right here right now heart out on the table-- open your beautiful eyes and see this-- you are what i want i just don't feel that i can ever really have it

you wanted to talk well there is my side of it for everyone to know

come over when you get a chance-- i don't care if it's 6 am i wanna know what you think

love and kisses always

today- wow- long

Wed, 11 May 2005 19:30:38 GMT

one hell of a day let me tell you:
10:30 -1 work
2:30 probation officer
4-6 class
6-11 work
i think i may have my phone back on soon though.. lol

so i know that we need to talk and this person knows who they are cause you IMed me about it! sorry i'm really busy with work i need to get my phone back on! i hope you understand

so i'm done in general just done.... it was really hard to sleep last night with all these thoughts going through my mind but the girls made it better thank you so much i needed it! can't wait until our little girls night-- wine, love and sex, and jibber jabbering...
"IHOP on COX"
"what?"
"yeah ya know the restaurant?"
"yeah"
"well where i live there is a street called COX and there is an IHOP there"
"ok well next time i see you i'm going to scream IHOP on COX"
"slut"
"dont' you wish"

interesting conversations that i have at 2 am i love them... hey erin thanks for this morning i know that was weird but i needed to show you-- ha dont' you wish you knew?

alrighty off to class and some more work-- yay!

if you need me IM me

KISSES!